Happy Women's Day. And I really hope it is, because it's been immensely depressing for me.
Thanks to the fact that most of my friends are female (coincidence, really), and that I have a mom and sis who are not shy of airing their opinions, I have heard my fair share of the men-are-cruel-unthinking-assholes discussion. And today I read the articles linked in this blog post by one of the above-mentioned friends, I see that Indian men are doubly deserving of all these epithets, and more.
This is not to say that the articles are unfair. They do point out that in many ways, we are victims of a stereotype too. And how can I disagree with either side? I can't. Except to point out that as a boy (because I am clearly still one) brought up in a very liberal household, atrocities that are supposedly hardwired into us, seem entirely alien to me. I have never considered my mother as anything less than an equal to my dad (or indeed, seen her treated in any other way (mother-in-law issues excluded)). My sister has never been denied the chance to do anything she wished to do in life and in fact, in many ways, her life has been a lot freer of restrictions than mine.
But I must agree that the stereotype has screwed me quite a bit. Many things are expected of me in life, as a boy, a son, a brahmin, and an elder sibling. Many things are also expected of me as a modern man, as one brought up in a liberal atmosphere, in thought and deed, . This leaves me in a bit of a tight spot. I cook, clean, take care of myself and see women as obvious equals (except mom still bought me underwear before I left the country, I must admit). All well and good so far. But I am also stuck with the traditional values that have rather killed my chances in the "singles scene". I have no clue how to go about it. I come off as a moron. And, I sometimes pray that arranged marriage is around in a few years when I finally decide to give up. With women who are inept in similar ways, I suppose.
Strange how the same kind of man that everyone seems to be railing against, does a lot better in the same situation. I suppose objectifying women comes with some insights too. But maybe that’s just me being bitter, with a dusting of self-pity on top.
But I digress. The additional difficulty I am faced with here is that I am now stuck with the "Indian male" tag. Going by stereotype, and you must admit that most people do, I am a coarse, unhygienic, boorish, tending-to-physical-abuse kind of person. And there goes my last chance. That someone will wish to stick around long enough to find out I’m not.
Naturally, I can't call the stereotype unfair. They are, after all, formulated statistically. Since such a large percentage of Indian men seem to be like this, it would only be logical to treat every one of them accordingly at first contact. And if I did call it unfair, I would be a hypocrite. I've made the same assumptions myself. When I think about my sister's male friends, for example. Sort of a guilty-until-they-move-to-different-state kind of judgement. I've changed those labels of course, having met these friends. Heck, I even liked a couple of them.
In the midst of all these denouncements of Indian men, I am made to re-examine myself. I try to see how my past actions, in some way, have conformed to this template of the “Indian man”. How might I have been sexist. How might I have offended someone. And in India, for every action, there is someone who is offended by it.
So, I sometimes have to remind myself that I have met, and have friends who are good people, and that I myself break such preconceptions. After all, it's important the minorities hang on to their sense of identity. Wouldn't want them to be assimilated, would we?
Oh, and I’m taking care of the bill at the end of dinner. Deal with it.
Thanks to the fact that most of my friends are female (coincidence, really), and that I have a mom and sis who are not shy of airing their opinions, I have heard my fair share of the men-are-cruel-unthinking-assholes discussion. And today I read the articles linked in this blog post by one of the above-mentioned friends, I see that Indian men are doubly deserving of all these epithets, and more.
This is not to say that the articles are unfair. They do point out that in many ways, we are victims of a stereotype too. And how can I disagree with either side? I can't. Except to point out that as a boy (because I am clearly still one) brought up in a very liberal household, atrocities that are supposedly hardwired into us, seem entirely alien to me. I have never considered my mother as anything less than an equal to my dad (or indeed, seen her treated in any other way (mother-in-law issues excluded)). My sister has never been denied the chance to do anything she wished to do in life and in fact, in many ways, her life has been a lot freer of restrictions than mine.
But I must agree that the stereotype has screwed me quite a bit. Many things are expected of me in life, as a boy, a son, a brahmin, and an elder sibling. Many things are also expected of me as a modern man, as one brought up in a liberal atmosphere, in thought and deed, . This leaves me in a bit of a tight spot. I cook, clean, take care of myself and see women as obvious equals (except mom still bought me underwear before I left the country, I must admit). All well and good so far. But I am also stuck with the traditional values that have rather killed my chances in the "singles scene". I have no clue how to go about it. I come off as a moron. And, I sometimes pray that arranged marriage is around in a few years when I finally decide to give up. With women who are inept in similar ways, I suppose.
Strange how the same kind of man that everyone seems to be railing against, does a lot better in the same situation. I suppose objectifying women comes with some insights too. But maybe that’s just me being bitter, with a dusting of self-pity on top.
But I digress. The additional difficulty I am faced with here is that I am now stuck with the "Indian male" tag. Going by stereotype, and you must admit that most people do, I am a coarse, unhygienic, boorish, tending-to-physical-abuse kind of person. And there goes my last chance. That someone will wish to stick around long enough to find out I’m not.
Naturally, I can't call the stereotype unfair. They are, after all, formulated statistically. Since such a large percentage of Indian men seem to be like this, it would only be logical to treat every one of them accordingly at first contact. And if I did call it unfair, I would be a hypocrite. I've made the same assumptions myself. When I think about my sister's male friends, for example. Sort of a guilty-until-they-move-to-different-state kind of judgement. I've changed those labels of course, having met these friends. Heck, I even liked a couple of them.
In the midst of all these denouncements of Indian men, I am made to re-examine myself. I try to see how my past actions, in some way, have conformed to this template of the “Indian man”. How might I have been sexist. How might I have offended someone. And in India, for every action, there is someone who is offended by it.
So, I sometimes have to remind myself that I have met, and have friends who are good people, and that I myself break such preconceptions. After all, it's important the minorities hang on to their sense of identity. Wouldn't want them to be assimilated, would we?
Oh, and I’m taking care of the bill at the end of dinner. Deal with it.
5 comments:
Your "About Me" section convinces me that you are a stoic. Here this is an excerpt stolen from wiki -
"The Stoic ethic espouses deterministic perspective; in regards to those who lack Stoic virtue, Cleanthes once opined that the wicked man is "like a dog tied to a cart, and compelled to go wherever it goes."[6] A Stoic of virtue, by contrast, would amend his will to suit the world and remain, in the words of Epictetus, "sick and yet happy, in peril and yet happy, dying and yet happy, in exile and happy, in disgrace and happy,"[7] thus positing a "completely autonomous" individual will, and at the same time a universe that is "a rigidly deterministic single whole." "
Shazz. I loved this post. Honestly. Stereotyping of Indian males has killed all chances of a second chance. At times I wish there were a bright garish flag that I could carry around that would mark me as different.
Now that you point it out, i suppose that description, applied to me, does seem rather accurate. I do tend to avoid confrontation. By amending my will, as it is rather aptly put.
And I know what you mean man. I have often wondered if that has something to do with my obsession with unusual passtimes. Quite possible, i think.
You wouldn't believe how many women appreciate the ineptitude you speak of :D.
@Anon - I'm sure there are women out there who prefer men that way. But thanks to the same ineptitude, the odds that I'll meet any of them are terrible.
But thanks all the same. :)
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