I've been cooped up inside the house all day. no outlet for my energy. that probably explains why I'm up at this hour after 2 unsuccessful attempts to fall asleep... in some ways i enjoy living alone, parents in Baroda and sis in Bangalore... i often go up to the beach in the middle of the night... to think... and nowadays i almost never come across any couples making out... just the odd group of people out on their turtle walks... and quite often, they don't notice me... its brilliant out there, despite the light pollution... Unfortunately, now that my mom's home, i can't step out of the house at night... if I'm not asleep when she gets up in the middle of the night to drink water, she'll most likely panic and call the cops(don't get me wrong, i love it when my parents are home)... in fact, there's every chance that I'll be busted any second... yeah, quite the adrenaline rush...

so I'm stuck at home. thinking the thoughts that i normally do at the beach. thoughts of futility and death... the usual stuff... nothing new... bet if i met a boggart right now, i'd be looking at my parents holding my grade card, disappointment on their faces, or my friends, looking at me with disgust...

I try not to think of these things too often. that line of thought usually renders me incapable of anything else... but it follows a pattern when i do... i think of futility... my life, effortless... not because i find things easy, no, its because i never put in the effort... only in those rare moments when i'm inspired by something or someone... and this is why i often wish i had a good friend in my class... or an enemy, an arch nemesis if you will... either of those would buck me up no end... It's just my luck that I'm on good terms with everyone... just a little better than indifferent...

i have to do better... i must do better... is it already 4th year? my final year?? where did the time go? It feels like just yesterday i first entered this college... time seems to go by faster and faster every day... the past 20 years have been a blur. the past 5, barely noticeable... will another 40 years pass by just as fast?? no, no, it can't!! i haven't done enough... i want to spend more time with my family... more time with my friends, my best friends... i want to make more best friends... i don't have nearly enough... why not?? I'm living my life all wrong aren't i? i knew it!! i have to change... but i can't... i always think this, but it never works... I'll always be this introvert, sitting in the corner with my laptop or book... never talking, never living, unless someone's kind enough to stop and say a few words... but i can't talk for long... what if I'm keeping them from their work... they probably have something better to do... worse, what if they feel I'm being too clingy... no, no, better i stay quiet and let them get on with their lives... i don't want to seem desperate... i can live without their pity... i don't need it... go away!! all of you!!

i have no friends...